# Understanding the Complexity of a Disorganized Attachment Style
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Chapter 1: The Nature of Disorganized Attachment
It has always puzzled me why I exhibited two distinct emotional patterns when it came to relationships: a profound anxiety in the absence of love and discomfort when it was present. It felt as though I was being tugged between two opposing forces. Did I truly desire love or not? I was aware of my longing for connection, yet when intimacy began to develop, my body reacted in a way that was far removed from desire. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming urge to flee.
This dilemma can often be attributed to a disorganized attachment style.
The disorganized attachment style is frequently overshadowed by its anxious and avoidant counterparts, which is surprising given that it is the most challenging to navigate or address. This attachment style is a blend of the anxious and avoidant styles, and psychologists suggest that its roots lie in more severe childhood traumas—specifically, situations where caregivers were simultaneously sources of comfort and danger.
The outcome of such experiences leaves individuals confused about love. Is it a nurturing embrace or a potential threat? In adulthood, this uncertainty manifests as the characteristic push-and-pull dynamic associated with disorganized attachment.
Recognizing the Patterns
Regardless of our childhood narratives, if you find yourself oscillating between heightened anxiety when love is absent and similar feelings when love approaches, it might be indicative of a disorganized attachment style. The earlier we acknowledge this, the better.
A Fusion of Attachment Styles
As previously mentioned, disorganized attachment merges both anxious and avoidant styles. Unfortunately, individuals grappling with a disorganized attachment style face the challenges of both patterns.
Before delving deeper into disorganized attachment, it's crucial to understand how these two styles operate on both mental and physical levels.
#### Anxious Attachment
Traditionally, the anxious attachment style is characterized by a "needy" partner—someone who craves validation through love so intensely that any distance from their partner triggers significant anxiety. "What if they don’t want me?" becomes an incessant worry, leading to a compulsive need for reassurance. Consequently, they often lose their sense of independence and lower their boundaries to allow in anyone and everyone.
#### Avoidant Attachment
Conversely, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to withdraw when faced with intimacy. While they yearn for love, they often retreat when the relationship deepens. This behavior frequently earns them a negative reputation, but it's essential to understand that their struggle to express affection is rooted in trauma, which has instilled a fear of closeness. Intimacy becomes overwhelming, prompting them to push away those who draw near.
The Role of Polyvagal Theory
Polyvagal theory offers insights into how these attachment styles manifest at a physiological level. Both styles are linked to anxiety; however, the nervous system's response to perceived threats differs significantly.
For the anxiously attached individual, the nervous system reacts in a fight-or-flight manner, resulting in restlessness and anxiety. This drives behaviors such as seeking constant reassurance.
In contrast, the avoidant individual’s nervous system tends to "freeze" in the face of intimacy. Imagine two people confronted by a tiger: one runs, while the other becomes paralyzed. This latter response is typical of avoidant individuals when faced with emotional closeness, leading to a complete detachment from their feelings.
These coping mechanisms are often learned early in life. The anxious child learns to seek connection for reassurance, while the avoidant child learns to suppress emotions due to a perceived lack of safety in expressing them. Recognizing these patterns allows us to see them as maladaptive coping strategies in adulthood.
The Distress of Disorganized Attachment
Individuals with a disorganized attachment style experience an internal conflict—yearning for love yet simultaneously feeling terrified of intimacy. This creates a tumultuous emotional landscape where their nervous system becomes chaotic. When faced with distance, their sympathetic (fight-or-flight) system urges them to seek love, yet when intimacy arrives, they instinctively shut down.
This creates a bewildering experience not just for them but also for their partners. Without understanding these patterns, one might cycle through numerous relationships, perplexed as to why they struggle to maintain closeness. To outsiders, this behavior may appear as "playing games" or leading someone on, but what remains hidden is the profound loneliness felt by the individual—an internal battle between wanting love and withdrawing from it.
Healing from Disorganized Attachment
Navigating healing from a disorganized attachment style requires addressing both the anxious and avoidant aspects within us. Low self-esteem, often stemming from the trauma that shaped these attachment styles, fuels our anxious need for validation. Focusing on improving our self-esteem can aid in addressing this anxious tendency.
Sarah Baldwin, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and Trauma coach, describes the healing process as “learning to self-regulate.” This involves cultivating the ability to rely on oneself for comfort rather than depending solely on relationships. Often, the anxiety we feel is a result of our minds revisiting past traumas rather than reflecting current realities.
To foster healthier connections, we must learn to trust others with our emotions, recognizing that our relationships can be safe spaces for sharing thoughts and feelings. The anxiety we experience is typically tied to memories of past events. All of us have the potential to reframe our narratives; it merely requires us to act differently in the present.
Balancing independence with a desire for connection is challenging for those with disorganized attachment. It’s crucial to understand that neither the anxious craving for love nor the avoidance of connection represents authentic states of mind. They are coping mechanisms adopted to manage stress.
Healing from a disorganized attachment style involves finding a state of equilibrium between independence and connection. Although it is no easy feat, it’s important to remember that no attachment style is permanent.
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