Chapter 1: Understanding Self-Care and Self-Love

Self-care is undeniably important for achieving a fulfilling and healthy life, but without self-love, it can feel futile. So, what distinguishes the two?

Self-care encompasses activities like nutritious eating, physical activity, meditation, adequate rest, personal hygiene, and establishing healthy boundaries. Essentially, it involves anything that contributes positively to your physical and emotional well-being. However, for those who have navigated difficult childhoods through mere survival, recognizing the concept of self-care—and realizing that you deserve it—can be a lengthy process.

When individuals embark on their healing journeys—whether from trauma, addiction, abuse, neglect, or depression—they often begin with a "fake it till you make it" approach. They engage in self-care routines because they’ve heard that these practices are what healthy individuals do. Unfortunately, this can lead to superficial engagement.

If you are in recovery from any form of trauma, chances are you carry some level of toxic shame regarding your experiences. Attempting to build a foundation of self-care on top of shame is akin to erecting a structure on unstable ground.

This can result in mechanical execution of self-care activities without truly believing that you deserve the benefits, which in turn robs you of any pleasure these actions might provide. Engaging in self-care without the warmth of self-love is like indulging in an ice cream cone while allowing it to drip down your arm without enjoying a single bite.

Chapter 2: The Insufficiency of Self-Care Alone

I understand that trauma and shame can run deep. For many, the path to recovery from self-hatred to self-love is long and challenging. However, it’s crucial to acknowledge that self-care alone will not suffice.

Consider a child who receives only the essentials—food, clothing, and shelter—yet is deprived of affection and love. Such a child may grow up to exhibit severe emotional disturbances. So why do we think we can merely check off self-care tasks while neglecting our need for love without ultimately questioning our value?

Perhaps you expend all your energy caring for others, leaving your own self-care neglected. Maybe you engage in self-care reluctantly, or perhaps you’ve mastered the art of it. No matter where you find yourself on this spectrum, I encourage you to infuse your self-care practices with love and gentleness, allowing them to feel nurturing and comforting.

Imagine receiving a thoughtful present but turning it down with the belief that you don’t deserve nice things; that would be incredibly disrespectful. I want your self-care to be a cherished gift that you can graciously accept.

Make it enjoyable. Embrace the pleasure of it. Allow yourself to truly experience the goodness of your actions. Savor it. Understand that you are worthy of all the love and care you provide for yourself; it is your inherent right.

When feelings of toxic shame attempt to convince you otherwise, remind that inner critic that self-love is now in charge, and it’s here to stay.

Adam Murauskas is a relationship coach and a recognized Medium top writer. In 2019, he and his wife Rebecca left their careers behind to relocate to Panamá and focus on their passion for helping others heal. Try out a free relationship quiz at FixYourPicker.com or follow them on Instagram @fixyourpicker for daily insights.