Chapter 1: A Year of Trials

The first year of my marriage has proven to be exceptionally challenging. I don’t attribute this solely to my partner, as my mental health took a significant downturn shortly after our wedding. I’ve largely kept this struggle to myself, sharing it only with close family, and have refrained from posting on social media. It just didn’t seem worthwhile, and honestly, I felt a lack of interest in many things.

One of the most detrimental things you can do when feeling down is to blame your partner. I’ve found myself occasionally wondering if my unhappiness was due to him or his actions—or lack thereof. It’s crucial to remember that we cannot place the burden of our happiness or misery onto someone else; it's unfair to them. While human beings thrive on connections, those relationships should enhance our joy rather than serve as the sole source of it.

For about a year now, I have been grappling with depression and anxiety, which set in right after my wedding. Ironically, this should have been the happiest time of my life, yet my mind spiraled into a deep depression. I have a history of struggling with significant life changes, which often throw me off balance, even when those changes are positive.

It's tough to admit, but I ended up in a psychiatric ward several times last year. I felt completely overwhelmed. I was prescribed various medications that often exacerbated my condition. Whenever I informed my psychiatrist that a particular medication was making me feel worse or even suicidal, he would become frustrated, which made me feel even more isolated and in need of support. Anxiety hit me out of nowhere, leading to sleepless nights and a complete emotional breakdown.

My family was deeply concerned and confused by my situation. We tried numerous medications, many of which had adverse effects. Prozac, in particular, made me jittery and restless. Looking back, I feel immense sympathy for my husband, who witnessed me struggle. I remember one night when he cried, saying, “You used to be happy to see me. Now I feel you slipping away.” That broke my heart; I hated causing him pain.

After discontinuing the problematic medication, things gradually improved. We eventually found a medication, Halcion, that helps me sleep. I also take L-Methylfolate due to a genetic test indicating my body struggles to produce enough folate, which is connected to depression. Who would have thought?

After three hospital stays, trying eight different medications, and consulting three psychiatrists, here I am—slowly reclaiming my sense of self after a year of turmoil. I feel guilty about the toll my struggles have taken on my husband. He has been incredibly supportive, but I know it has been difficult for him at times.

Having experienced suicidal thoughts has given me newfound compassion for others facing similar challenges. I recall nights of insomnia, watching the sunrise with a sense of profound despair. Once, while driving, my exhaustion nearly caused me to veer off the road. It’s baffling why this happened to me.

In retrospect, I realize that a multitude of significant changes occurred simultaneously: we moved to a new town, settled into our first home together, my daughter changed schools, I switched jobs, and I got married. It was a whirlwind of events that overwhelmed me.

Change has always been a struggle for me; I crave safety and comfort, yet life often defies that desire.

I must admit, I’ve found little benefit from hospital stays. Perhaps they help others, but for me, they feel unproductive. I just want to leave as soon as I arrive. Given my mild case, there’s limited assistance available; they mainly adjust my medications and monitor me for a few days. Although some group activities were insightful, the responsibility of accepting my life ultimately lies with me.

I’ve been attempting to manage sleep without medication; some weeks are better than others. Last night, I needed my sleeping pills, which can make me feel like a failure, but it’s part of my current reality.

I have discovered that a combination of CBD Lights Out gummies and Melatonin works well for me most nights, offering a natural alternative. I’ve always been a good sleeper, and I know my body is capable of returning to that state.

Currently, I work part-time at a coffee shop. It’s not always enjoyable, but staying busy seems beneficial. I’m the oldest employee, having just turned 36, while my co-workers are in their twenties. I embrace my role as the “mom” of the group.

Every day, I fight to regain my sense of normalcy, whatever that means for me. I’m in therapy and adhering to my medication regimen. Sometimes, the daily battle consists of simply waking up and striving to enjoy the day. I hope and pray that my second year of marriage unfolds more positively. My husband’s patience has been invaluable, and I truly appreciate him. Recently, we took our first family trip, which went well—nothing beats a little beach therapy.

I aspire to be a good wife, but it’s incredibly challenging when battling depression; it saps your motivation to act, and love is fundamentally an action. A marriage thrives on love expressed through actions—coexistence alone isn't sufficient. Just as plants need water and sunlight to thrive, we must nurture one another through small acts of kindness. My focus remains on doing my part as I learn to love myself again.

In the video "OUR FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE | Fights, Intimacy, Communication," the couple shares their personal experiences, discussing the challenges they faced in their first year, including fights, intimacy issues, and how they communicated through tough times.

Chapter 2: Surviving Together

The video "Surviving our first year of marriage | Ep. 10" offers insights into managing the ups and downs of marriage, focusing on how the couple navigated their first year together, sharing tips and advice for others in similar situations.