Chapter 1: The Deterioration of a Narcissist

Narcissists often struggle as they age, and the addition of dementia creates a particularly grim scenario.

My mother's descent into profound dementia has been sudden. Having not been in contact with her for nearly four years, I can’t witness the changes firsthand, but updates from my siblings and videos reveal a troubling picture. She experiences both delusions and hallucinations, her responses have intensified, and her paranoia has escalated significantly. Despite this decline, her narcissistic traits remain prominent, which I intend to discuss further.

In contrast, my mother-in-law, who lacks narcissistic tendencies, has gradually slipped into dementia over the past decade. Since my father-in-law passed away over two years ago, she has been in skilled nursing care. She is unable to walk or manage personal care, likely not recognizing family members by name, though she seems to understand and show affection towards us. She doesn't speak much and struggles to respond to questions, but she enjoys holding hands and often smiles; the staff affectionately call her Smiley.

Sharing my mother-in-law's experiences highlights the stark differences between her situation and that of my narcissistic mother.

Despite her severe dementia, my mother’s narcissism persists. It appears the false identity she cultivated has ultimately overwhelmed the genuine self she spent her life concealing. Here are some observations:

• She has long believed that others conspire against her. Throughout my life, she frequently accused me of undermining her reputation among family, healthcare providers, church friends, and even strangers. She similarly directed accusations at my father and, to a lesser extent, at my siblings and coworkers. Recently, she has been experiencing hallucinations where she believes people are infiltrating her home to harm her, sometimes alleging that my father is involved in these conspiracies. While paranoia is a known symptom of dementia, I suspect her narcissism intensifies this particular manifestation, as it has always been a primary concern for her, now fueling her fears.
• Like most narcissists, she needed to feel superior to others. Accepting any imperfections has always been a challenge for her. When faced with health issues, she would often present herself as the most unfortunate victim, claiming to have the most exotic conditions or the worst cases of common ailments. Recently, she has been falling frequently, which I believe indicates that her false self, which now dominates her mind and body, refuses to accept the need for a walker. She often seems to walk without it, leading to repeated falls that resulted in her hospitalization and subsequent rehabilitation. Again, her overpowering narcissism appears to prevent her from acknowledging her vulnerabilities.
• Narcissists are seldom seen as reasonable. I bear the scars from countless attempts to reason with my mother. While individuals with dementia typically lose their ability to reason and problem solve, many simply become confused or resigned. My mother-in-law exemplified this; in her early dementia stages, she would occasionally argue her point before eventually conceding. However, my narcissistic mother exhibits a relentless desire to be right. She reacts quickly and aggressively to deny any faults or to accuse others of being wrong. My father bears the brunt of her accusations, while my brother, her sole contact, also faces a barrage of blame and anger. Unlike many who mellow with age, her narcissism has intensified, making it impossible for her to relinquish her need to be right or to retaliate against anyone who challenges her.
• When a narcissist cannot maintain superiority, they often adopt the role of a victim. My mother has become the epitome of this behavior in her dementia, perpetually feeling wronged by everyone in her life while believing she has never made mistakes herself. This mindset fuels her resentment and readiness to lash out. I’ve often been astonished at her ability to switch from anger to sudden tears of despair over feeling unloved. She can oscillate between crying and screaming without warning. Before her dementia, she could sometimes project the image of a normal person, a devoted mother, or a loving wife. Now, she exists in two extremes—tyrant or victim—her emotional control seemingly shattered.

Additional observations include:

1. When she is coherent, her defensiveness or aggression is palpable.
2. Facing accountability, she resorts to attacks rather than explanations or justifications.
3. She strives to draw others into her delusions, seeking to validate her hallucinations.
4. Occasionally, she becomes like a rag doll, unable to stay awake, likely exhausted by the turmoil stemming from her narcissistic behavior.

The persona my mother has cultivated and protected throughout her life has grotesquely morphed into a distorted version of itself. The narcissistic beliefs she clung to have extinguished any rational thoughts, leading her to embody narcissism itself. Dementia now restricts her access to the remnants of her authentic self, which has withered under the weight of her narcissistic facade over the past ninety-plus years. Without the ability to breathe life into her true self, it seems that only her narcissism will remain—akin to a nightmare from which she cannot awaken.

The contrast between my mother and my mother-in-law in their final stages underscores the tragic reality of a narcissist's life and the harrowing end that often follows.

In this insightful video, "Narcissistic Relationships and Dementia," viewers can explore the intricate dynamics of narcissism in the context of dementia, shedding light on the emotional and psychological challenges involved.

The video titled "Alzheimer's Narcissist: Dementias of Absence" delves into the unique experiences faced by individuals dealing with both narcissism and Alzheimer’s, providing a deeper understanding of their struggles.

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