The Unspoken Challenge of Therapy: A Journey to Self-Discovery
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Chapter 1: The Ripple Effect of Healing
Are you currently engaged in therapy? If so, tread carefully, my friends. It’s a transformative experience, but it can also be challenging.
Perhaps you’ve just started working with a new therapist and are feeling optimistic about your progress. Or, you might be returning for a fresh issue, ready to confront your struggles head-on. For some, this may even be the first time in therapy, and the experience is overwhelming (in all the best ways).
First off, kudos to you. It takes immense courage to tackle mental health challenges, confront trauma, and question ingrained thought patterns — especially in a culture that often stigmatizes such endeavors. What you’re doing is not only commendable, but also incredibly responsible. Well done!
However, amidst this positivity, there’s a stark reality to acknowledge. Therapy is likely to transform you — sometimes in ways that others may not appreciate.
And it's crucial to be prepared for this shift…
About ten months ago, I experienced the loss of a cherished friendship. I cared deeply for my friend, but her actions mirrored a pattern I had encountered many times before, and I could no longer accept it.
At that time, I was a year and a half into my most recent therapy journey. Having navigated therapy sporadically throughout my life due to sexual trauma, emotional abuse, and eating disorders, I had the fortune of working with several therapists. Yet, none had been as impactful as the one I began seeing in 2021.
I must emphasize the difficulty of this decision. It wasn’t rooted in shame; I wholeheartedly believe in the value of therapy and view seeking help as a mature, responsible choice. The challenge was my financial situation as a freelancer; I was uncertain if my insurance would cover the sessions.
For anyone who has attended therapy, you know that making the appointment is often the hardest part. When grappling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, navigating insurance calls, finding providers who accept your plan, and choosing the right therapist can feel overwhelming.
After enduring extreme isolation during the pandemic, experiencing two catfishing incidents, and witnessing an insurrection, my mental health had deteriorated significantly by spring 2021. Additionally, I had just started dating someone, and I wanted to present my best self to him.
I take great pride in the determination I displayed when I chose to re-enter therapy, even while facing personal struggles.
Ten months ago, during a conversation with a friend about how much I missed our daily talks and my fears of drifting apart (as I worked on expressing my emotions and needs), she provided a list of what she believed were my mental health shortcomings.
While I wasn’t shocked — she had previously mocked my decision to seek therapy — I was taken aback by my inability to tolerate it any longer. I already had a therapist; I didn’t need my friends, who lack mental health expertise, to diagnose me or scrutinize my behavior.
With my therapist's guidance, I crafted a response based on Nonviolent Communication principles. Essentially, I expressed my feelings and made a request: could we agree not to diagnose one another moving forward?
For the first time, I felt empowered to set a boundary. My therapist had helped me articulate my thoughts in a way that felt assertive but not aggressive.
Regrettably, my friend did not accept this boundary.
However, I stood my ground and distanced myself from the relationship.
Surprisingly, it felt liberating. That was the first time I prioritized my mental health over someone else's needs. For decades, I had faced ridicule for my therapy journey — a common tactic employed by friends, family, and even romantic partners when they sought to control or manipulate me.
Each time, I buckled under the weight of their criticisms, returning to the precarious equilibrium that benefited them. The issue was that this "status quo" was blissful only for them, while I continued to suffer.
The conclusion of that friendship imparted a crucial lesson. Many individuals in our lives may resist our growth. Confronting our inner demons in therapy often brings their issues to the surface, and they may not respond positively.
To be fair, they did not choose this path; they didn’t seek therapy themselves. They might have hoped that we would engage in therapy, share our secrets, and return “fixed,” restoring the previous dynamic.
However, that’s not how therapy operates. If undertaken genuinely, it will alter our perspectives and behaviors.
This process will force those around us to confront their own issues, which they may not be prepared for.
They may resort to various tactics to undermine your progress. Here are some common strategies to be aware of:
Section 1.1: Schoolyard Bullying
They may adopt a bullying approach, making passive-aggressive or outright hostile remarks about your therapy journey:
- "This seems like it's more about you…you're the one in therapy, after all."
- "If you have an issue with this, why not discuss it with your therapist?"
- "I don't think this issue really concerns me — you're the one with mental health problems."
- "We can't trust your perspective; you need a therapist to navigate life."
- "You're sounding a bit irrational; maybe bring that up in your next session."
These comments are not only harmful but also abusive. In a society that often shames mental health pursuits, such remarks can strike a painful chord and are frequently dismissed as harmless, despite their manipulative intent.
Section 1.2: Diagnosing
This tactic is commonly employed by those feeling threatened by your growth. Fueled by the prevalence of psychological terms and social media memes, it becomes easy for people to pathologize your experiences instead of reflecting on their own.
Those who feel uncomfortable with your transformation may treat you like a patient instead of a loved one:
- "It seems like you're making a hasty decision due to your anxiety."
- "Your past depression has led to poor choices; have you considered medication?"
- "You claim to want more time together, but isn't this just your struggle with codependency resurfacing?"
- "Every time you feel threatened, you set a boundary, but it feels controlling."
- "Your recent focus on self-care raises concerns; I worry you might be showing narcissistic traits."
In reality, even those closest to us lack the ability to diagnose our mental health and have no right to label our behaviors. If they wish to express boundaries regarding their involvement with you, that’s acceptable. However, diagnosing and pathologizing are manipulative tactics.
Chapter 2: The Reality of Gaslighting
As relationships become strained, individuals may resort to gaslighting, which can be one of the most damaging tactics.
Prepare yourself for this possibility because it can be brutal.
They may claim that therapy has negatively altered you. They might express confusion about who you’ve become, suggesting something feels “off” or “wrong.” Their concern may seem genuine, but it’s often a tactic to undermine your progress.
As I distanced myself from one-sided relationships, I received increasingly alarming remarks about how therapy seemed to have changed me for the worse. People expressed worries that I had become self-centered and indifferent, reminding me of my naturally generous and forgiving nature. They didn’t recognize the new me who prioritizes self-care and establishes firm boundaries. They insisted this wasn’t the real me, as if the person I had been was the ideal.
Even prominent figures, like Prince William, have used this tactic, as revealed in Prince Harry's memoir, Spare.
This manipulation is profoundly insidious.
Stay resolute and strong.
I used to believe the goal of therapy was to return to my former self, minus the anger, resentment, depression, and anxiety. It didn’t dawn on me until much later that the person I once was was a product of conditioning — crafted to earn love and validation while shielding myself from further harm. The person I had to be to maintain any semblance of normalcy in my relationships was not my true self at all.
Realizing who you truly are and evolving into that individual will inevitably disturb some people. Not everyone will react negatively, but many will struggle with your transformation. Some will continue projecting their issues onto you, attempting to derail your progress.
While I wish it were different, healing is challenging enough without this added layer.
Remember, you are not here to make others comfortable or to fulfill their needs. Your journey is for you.
Take pride in the strides you’re making and remain steadfast on your path.
Ultimately, those who try to derail your progress will have to confront their own issues — perhaps even seeking therapy themselves. Their journeys will be made easier because of the one you have bravely undertaken.
The first video titled "There's a real PROBLEM with THERAPY & we NEED to talk about it..." dives into the common misconceptions surrounding therapy and the societal pressures that can hinder personal growth.
In the second video, titled "#75 'What if you had a client who did very bad or shameful things?'", the discussion revolves around the ethical considerations in therapy and the challenges therapists face when addressing difficult topics with clients.
© Yael Wolfe 2023
Yael Wolfe is a writer, artist, and photographer. Explore more of her work at yaelwolfe.com. If you appreciate her writing, consider supporting her on Ko-fi.
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