Chapter 1: The Jesus Freak Encounter

In my journey through the dating scene, the first candidate for the "top three dates that never came to fruition" was a man I'll call The Jesus Freak. After several weeks of solitude, I found myself yearning for some masculine presence, prompting me to browse Bumble. I came across a profile of a guy who exuded joy and mischief, traits I find appealing due to their hint of humor. Upon swiping right, we matched instantly, suggesting he had already shown interest in me.

Within minutes of our initial conversation, he proposed a phone call, expressing his preference for old-fashioned communication. I agreed, and he called shortly after. Over the next thirty minutes, I discovered that he had recently relocated from New Jersey, where he had spent three decades in nightlife management. He was an ex-smoker, claimed to be loyal (which made me skeptical), and expressed a desire to spoil his partner. Additionally, he mentioned launching a cleaning business and asked if I’d be interested in working for him, detailing the potential earnings, along with his fervent devotion to Jesus.

When he inquired about my acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Savior, I questioned whether this was a dealbreaker for him. He assured me it wasn't, leading to a conversation where he became increasingly passionate about his beliefs. He invoked my love for my children to illustrate the Lord's love for me, which felt manipulative. When I asked why he was pushing the issue despite his earlier assurances, he grew agitated, declaring that without accepting Jesus, I would face eternal damnation. At that point, I had enough of his condescending rhetoric and retorted, "That’s only if you believe in Hell."

His reaction was explosive; he screamed at me, and though I couldn’t catch every word, it was clear he was lashing out at my perceived flaws. When I attempted to respond, he hung up. Thank you, Jesus Freak, for revealing your true self so quickly—definitely not the masculine energy I was looking for.

Chapter 2: The Anal Inquirer

The second contender for the "Top Three Dates That Never Happened" is a gentleman I’ll dub The Anal Inquirer. I met him during the early days of my dating escapades. After a couple of days of chatting on the app, we exchanged phone numbers, but our interaction quickly took a turn.

Initially, he seemed polite and friendly, sharing common interests like fitness and his relationship with his young adult daughter. However, once we began texting, the conversation shifted dramatically. He bombarded me with explicit questions about my preferences for physical intimacy, which caught me completely off guard. I tried to redirect the chat, but he persisted, bringing up topics of kissing, touching, and finally, asking, "Do you like anal sex?" I was taken aback and responded, "WTF dude?" He casually replied, "I’m just trying to get to know you."

I decided enough was enough, blocked him, and unmatched on the app. Thank you, Anal Inquirer, for showcasing your belief that it’s acceptable to speak to