Chapter 1: A Unique Perspective on Divorce

Many individuals recount their parents' divorce with sadness, recalling their experiences at ages when they were aware of the turmoil. I often empathized with them, feeling somewhat detached because my own parents separated shortly after my birth. I lacked a frame of reference, having no memories of their life together and not being conscious of the divorce as it unfolded. I used to dismiss my own feelings, thinking I was unaffected, and reserved my sympathy for those who were old enough to grasp the situation. However, I’ve begun to reconsider that viewpoint.

While infants may not understand events in a conventional sense, they are still acutely aware of their environment. For instance, if there’s tension during an argument, an infant may not comprehend the words but can still sense the unease. This understanding has led me to reflect on my own experiences, and I now recognize that I may have been more impacted by my parents' divorce than I initially believed.

They parted ways when I was just 18 months old. Although I don't recall the initial arrangements, it was clear that my parents could no longer share the same space, resulting in my spending significant amounts of time away from one of them.

We often perceive trauma as requiring a conscious understanding, assuming that forgetting can alleviate the pain. However, research indicates otherwise. The most significant epigenetic changes often occur during the earliest years of life. Although I’m not a scientist, I’ve read that neglect during this formative time can trigger epigenetic responses that hinder a child's ability to form attachments later in life.

While my memories from those early years are sparse, I now recognize some unsettling aspects of my childhood that I had previously overlooked. For example, I remember feeling afraid of my father, not because he was unkind, but because I viewed him as a stranger during visits. Despite seeing him regularly, living apart led to a sense of emotional detachment.

Moreover, I often worried about my mother's safety when I wasn’t with her. As I began school, I would panic if she didn’t answer our calls. I would fear she had met with an accident or was in serious trouble. Initially, I attributed these fears to her subsequent partner, who had been abusive, but I can’t pinpoint when those anxieties began. They seemed to always exist.

The emotional fallout from divorce affects all children, including those of pre-cognizant separations. Contrary to my previous belief that my lack of awareness rendered me less affected, I now understand that these experiences may have been even more profound. I once thought the hardest experience would be for someone in early adolescence, but a 14-year-old can process events and make choices regarding how to navigate the situation.

Throughout my childhood, I felt the constant disruption of being shuttled between homes, often resisting the transitions. This back-and-forth created a sense of alienation, as I would become fond of one environment only to be uprooted to the other.

One particularly alarming incident occurred when I was about eight years old. My mother left me alone with my older cousin and a friend, both of whom were under the influence. They terrified me, chasing me with aerosol cans and lighters before hanging me upside down over the staircase. When my mother returned, I rushed to her, terrified, but I never disclosed what had happened.

I did eventually tell my father, which led to an investigation by Child Protective Services. When I saw my mother again, she expressed disappointment, questioning why I hadn’t confided in her, as if I had betrayed a family trust. This feeling of being caught between two worlds is common for children navigating parental separations.

You become acutely aware of what you can share about one household in another. I recall moments of distrust, where glances and hushed whispers conveyed the fear of revealing too much information. It often felt like being suspected of treachery.

When I