Understanding Narcissism: The Jealousy Behind Disapproval
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Chapter 1: The Mask of Jealousy
The actions of a narcissist often stem from jealousy, although they frequently mask this emotion as disapproval.
Narcissists perceive life as a competition, and they strive to outshine everyone around them. They can even fabricate competitions out of thin air to feel superior. Their inability to tolerate others excelling, even in areas of no personal interest, drives their need to undermine.
Understanding the narcissistic thought process can be enlightening:
- A narcissist observes someone excelling in a skill or receiving admiration, triggering feelings of inadequacy.
- This recognition ignites a simmering anger, as they realize they cannot match the other person’s success.
- In response, they concoct a scheme to twist the situation in their favor.
- They attempt to project a facade of caring for the other person's well-being or moral superiority.
- Ultimately, they express disapproval to belittle the other person’s accomplishments, interests, or appearance.
This psychological complexity may seem bewildering. I spent many years grappling with these dynamics, particularly in my relationships with a narcissistic mother and an ex-husband. Only after enduring their relentless criticism did I comprehend the distorted way narcissists process jealousy.
Here are some personal anecdotes that illustrate how my mother’s apparent disappointment was actually rooted in jealousy:
Section 1.1: Athletic Discontent
During my teenage years, my mother, who lacked athletic ability, frequently expressed dissatisfaction with my participation in sports like softball and volleyball. Her disdain for my success was less about my choices and more about her inability to engage in them. I now recognize that her "disapproval" was a reflection of her jealousy.
Section 1.2: Prejudice and Friendship
In the 1970s, I formed a close friendship with an African-American colleague. My mother’s disapproval of this relationship stemmed not from her racial prejudice alone, but from a deeper jealousy of my social connections. Even when I befriended other women, she found reasons to object, revealing her envy and isolation.
Section 1.3: The Look of Insecurity
Despite not being a conventional beauty, my mother demonstrated jealousy over my appearance. For instance, during a family beach trip, she condemned my choice of attire, labeling it inappropriate. Her criticism was less about my clothing and more about her own insecurities regarding aging.