Love is a straightforward term, yet it embodies a myriad of complex feelings. Both romantic and platonic love can lead to intense joy as well as profound sorrow. The grief of losing a loved one or a community can envelop us, mirroring the feelings we experience when we fall in love, and can push us to act in ways that defy reason.

Take my friend, whom I’ll refer to as John. He is a thoughtful and reliable individual. However, he found himself reflecting on a series of actions taken during the end of his relationship that left him puzzled about how he could behave so irrationally. His intentions were never malicious, yet his dramatic responses shocked even him. This sequence of events severed his remaining connections, plunging him into a deep well of shame and self-blame.

As someone who provides spiritual care and counseling, I frequently encounter stories like John's. Many individuals sabotage relationships that hold significant value. Listening to regrets from patients, especially those in hospitals reflecting on their lives, I often assist them in finding a path to inner peace.

Recently, I experienced my own inexplicable behaviors that felt alien to my self-image. This time, I wanted clarity more than anything.

While John's experience was the loss of a significant other, mine involved losing an entire community. Research indicates that the fear of losing someone or a group—especially after a major loss—can provoke reactions that appear irrational, even to those who act on them.

Mark Leary, PhD, noted in his research published by the National Institutes of Health that “Interpersonal rejections constitute some of the most distressing and consequential events in people’s lives.” The emotional aftermath of rejection, whether from a romantic partner, a friend, or even casual social exclusion, can lead to profound psychological consequences. Our behaviors are often driven by an overwhelming desire to avoid rejection.

Romantic love provides a useful lens for examining our responses to rejection in various life scenarios.

When we fall in love, our brains release pleasurable hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. These chemicals forge strong bonds and elicit feelings of happiness, akin to the high from a night out on cocaine. In this state of bliss, even the most bothersome people seem endearing. However, the same hormones that induce joy can also lead to deep emotional pain, creating a chaotic aftermath when love goes awry.

The anxiety surrounding potential loss amplifies these hormonal reactions, often leading us to abandon reason as we desperately try to prevent that loss. In our panic, we may say or do things that paradoxically push us toward the very outcomes we fear.

Surprisingly, research reveals that a significant portion of people—up to 75%—react unexpectedly to social rejection, with even higher rates for romantic rejection. The same hormones that elevate the joy of romantic love also engage during other deep emotional connections, like friendships and family bonds. Past experiences of abandonment can heighten the likelihood of panicked reactions.

John sensed a growing distance in his relationship. He hoped that expressing his feelings would bridge the gap, but his partner perceived his words as criticism, leading to anger and resentment.

As the relationship deteriorated, John felt as if his heart were being violently ripped from his chest, leaving him in anguish. One moment he felt resilient; the next, he was overwhelmed with tears.

The dread of realizing his partner was finished with him haunted John, replaying in his mind for weeks as he grappled with the reality of his actions.

From my own experience, I understand that trying your best is one thing, but when you act in ways that contradict your true self, it feels like a nightmare. I found myself wishing for an explanation that I could grasp.

In an attempt to rationalize my behavior, I discovered that I had mixed up my allergy medication with narcotics after a recent surgery. This mistake may have contributed to my irrational actions, but the fear of loss was undeniable.

The depth of my regret was unlike anything I had felt before. It wasn’t just about the consequences I faced; it was the realization that I had hurt those I cared about and disrupted meaningful relationships. The weight of my actions felt insurmountable.

I recognized that mere apologies wouldn’t suffice. There was no way to mend what was broken, nor any hope for reconciliation. I could empathize with my partner's feelings; losing both her and my community would turn my life upside down. This group had become intertwined with my identity, and their absence left me feeling adrift.

For individuals navigating divorce, the layers of grief can become even more complex, as they contend with the loss of a partner, time with children, and other familial ties. The emotional toll can be devastating, explaining why divorced individuals are at a higher risk for suicide.

It’s crucial to take the necessary time to mourn each aspect of your loss while identifying steps toward a brighter future. If finances are a concern, for instance, consulting a professional to create a strategic plan can be beneficial.

John understood that his few days of shame shouldn't define his identity. Despite seeking counseling, he still wrestles with feelings of self-disgust and the haunting “what if” questions. Nonetheless, he is striving for self-forgiveness, as am I, even though it’s a challenging journey.

As a spiritual care provider, I’ve identified several strategies that can assist during these turbulent times when one grapples with the repercussions of their actions:

1. Seek therapy. Engaging with a professional can be beneficial for anyone, especially during cycles of self-blame.
2. Make amends where possible. This doesn’t always mean restoring a relationship, but finding peace with others can be immensely healing. If direct amends aren’t feasible, consider processing your feelings through writing, whether through journaling, poetry, or letters that aren’t sent.
3. Summarize the relationship. Write a brief narrative—no more than five sentences—that encapsulates what you learned about yourself through this experience.
4. Channel your regret into motivation. Reflect on what constructive steps you can take moving forward to align your actions with your true self.
5. Engage in physical activity and listen to music. Both exercise and music can trigger the release of oxytocin, providing therapeutic relief from heartache.
6. Avoid idealizing the road not taken. Miscommunication can lead to misunderstandings, which can complicate relationships but doesn't necessarily imply wrongdoing on anyone’s part.
7. Look for silver linings. Identify any positive developments in your life that arose from the situation, such as new activities or relationships.
8. Acknowledge the healing power of time. While scars may linger, the intensity of pain often diminishes over time, leading to personal growth.
9. Define your next steps. We all have moments we regret, but these don’t have to define us. Consider what actions you can take today, tomorrow, and next week to embody the person you aspire to be.

— Published by Dr. Preeti Singh at Dancing Elephants Press. Click here for submission guidelines.