Dear Doctor NerdLove,

I find myself in a perplexing situation and hope you can shed some light on it.

I’ve been in touch with a friend for several months, and our exchanges started off quite flirtatious. Eventually, he sought clarity about my feelings, as he felt confused by my actions. I assured him I wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship but valued our friendship. We agreed to keep things platonic, as both of us were recovering from past relationships. He admitted to being emotionally unavailable and working through personal challenges, which I respected. I did mention that his flirtation might have contributed to the confusion, and he promised to tone it down.

Recently, I’ve come to realize that I have developed feelings for him, which has been distressing. I genuinely cherish our friendship and have been trying to suppress these feelings. Our connection feels significant; we can engage in light-hearted banter or have profound discussions. He often shares sexual memes and we sometimes flirt or discuss preferences, which complicates things. Despite his mixed signals, he has shown concern for my emotional well-being.

Just yesterday, I expressed that I am not just a friend to him, admitting that a part of me hopes for something more in the future. I told him it wouldn’t be fair to continue our friendship if I have deeper feelings. He responded that he understood and was comfortable with being “good friends.” His reaction left me puzzled: was he trying to soften the blow or is he simply not ready to explore a romantic connection? I reassured him that I could step back if it made him uncomfortable, but he insisted that I shouldn’t hesitate to talk to him.

While I want to maintain our friendship and feel relieved for sharing my feelings, I’m troubled by his lack of depth in response. I’m unsure if it’s wise to continue being friends or if I should try to move on. Since we work together, I’ll still have to interact with him, but our opposite shifts make it manageable. After our conversation, I logged out of social media to gain some distance, but I remain uncertain about our status, despite his assurances. I’m left wondering why he didn’t clarify his feelings more explicitly or if he was hinting at wanting to let me down gently.

I would greatly appreciate your advice regarding my situation.

Thank you,

Love Disconnection

Alright, LD, I’ll be straightforward: this seems to be more about your feelings than his, and it appears that the confusion stems from your side.

Initially, he was confused by your behavior and had to ask you directly about your feelings. After your heart-to-heart, where you both agreed you weren’t looking for romance, you essentially said, “I’m following your lead,” which he agreed to. However, I wonder if he even recognized his actions as flirtatious. He did promise to dial it back, which is challenging when you’re unsure how your behavior is perceived.

As time passed, you developed feelings for him and expressed your worries about complicating your friendship. He reassured you that everything was fine between you, which leads me to question the issue at hand.

From what I gather, you both agreed that a romantic relationship wasn’t feasible and chose to remain friends. He seems to be continuing that friendship despite your admission of feelings.

The crux of the issue may lie in how you approached him. Rather than simply expressing an interest in dating, you confessed your feelings without suggesting a date, which leaves him with little direction. If you merely state, “I have feelings,” it invites confusion about what you expect him to do with that information. This becomes even trickier after you clarified that neither of you were ready to date.

You’ve also implied that you believe he may share feelings for you but is unwilling to act on them, which adds to your frustration. However, based on your description, it seems he may not feel the same way. He reiterated that he’s not emotionally available, and that hasn’t changed.

It’s also important to recognize that your confession may have come across as a burden. By framing your feelings as something that makes you a bad friend, you might leave him unsure of how to respond.

The first step to clarity is providing it yourself. If you feel there are unresolved feelings, initiating a more direct conversation is necessary. You could say, “I want to make sure we both understand each other,” without implying guilt for your feelings.

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

About four years ago, I experienced a difficult breakup. It wasn’t a long-term relationship, and arguably, it was for the best as we brought out each other's worst sides.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which means I can form intense attachments very quickly, often leading to emotional turmoil. Despite understanding that the relationship wasn’t ideal, I find myself still mourning that person regularly.

I’ve reflected on the relationship and acknowledge it was driven by New Relationship Energy, yet I cannot seem to move on. What steps can I take to let go of these lingering feelings?

Best,

Past Is Present

Borderline Personality Disorder often leads to emotional instability, as you noted, PiP. This condition manifests in both intense attachments and a profound fear of rejection and abandonment. Many professionals believe that impulsive behaviors may stem from a desire to protect oneself from perceived emotional harm.

Your understanding of your breakup is commendable, but intellectual comprehension doesn’t always equate to emotional healing. This disconnect can be exacerbated by Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, where you recognize the feelings but continue to experience them deeply.

The ongoing emotional struggle might stem from feelings of rejection that extend beyond the relationship's end. It’s possible you feel as though you’ve lost an essential part of yourself or grapple with guilt over the breakup, leading to self-blame.

Therefore, it might be beneficial to delve deeper into your emotions. When you find yourself upset, identify the specific feelings you’re experiencing. Are you mourning a loss, or are you projecting blame onto yourself? Understanding the root of your feelings is crucial.

You seem to believe that your self-worth is tied to the relationship, which complicates your healing. Recognizing your role in the breakup is essential, but it’s equally important to forgive yourself. Acknowledge that you were navigating your condition and making the best choices you could at the time.

Self-acceptance and forgiveness are vital for moving forward. Nobody has ever improved themselves through self-criticism; it only breeds negativity. To heal, you must allow yourself the grace to make mistakes and resolve to learn from them.

As you explore your feelings, remember to extend compassion to yourself. The past doesn’t define you; it merely informs your journey into the future.

Best of luck.