Navigating Arguments: Why Going to Bed Angry Can Be Okay
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Chapter 1: The Argument
Recently, my husband and I had a disagreement that escalated. The specifics of our argument are less significant than my realization while I munched on peanut butter and rewatched Parks and Recreation—a show that comforts me. I recognized that we had violated a fundamental principle of healthy relationships, which is to never go to sleep angry.
This advice, likely familiar to many, has been shared with me countless times, especially during our wedding six years ago. I suspect if I dug through our well-wishes, I'd find numerous reminders echoing this wisdom. This adage can be traced back to the New Testament: “In your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26–27).
Chapter 2: The Burden of Guilt
Along with this advice often comes a sense of guilt, warning against going to bed angry because of the unpredictability of life. The fear is that if something unfortunate were to occur, you might regret not reconciling first.
Initially, this advice made perfect sense, and we adopted it as our own guiding principle. However, during our conflict, I watched my husband retreat to bed, stating he was too exhausted to continue. I responded with a huffy “fine” and left the room, accepting that we were going to sleep angry.
Surprisingly, this turned out to be a beneficial choice. At that moment, we were so entrenched in our frustrations that continuing the argument felt futile, leading only to wasted time and circular discussions. The more we engaged in our dispute, the more drained and frustrated we both became.
The first video, "Don't Go to Bed Angry," explores the potential benefits of taking a break during heated moments, providing insights into managing conflicts more effectively.
Chapter 3: The Power of Reflection
While resolving disputes before sleeping is often ideal, sometimes it's wiser to give yourself space. This pause allows you to recharge, approach the issue with a fresh perspective, and gain clarity.
As Alan Watts writes in The Way of Zen, “As muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone, it could be argued that those who sit quietly and do nothing are making one of the best possible contributions to a world in turmoil.”
The second video, "Set It Off - Go To Bed Angry," illustrates how sometimes stepping back can lead to better communication and resolution in relationships.
Chapter 4: Finding Calm in Chaos
In our case, the chaos stemmed from miscommunication and defensiveness. My husband’s decision to disengage from the argument allowed for a metaphorical settling of the “muddy waters.” After he fell asleep, I took time to reflect on my feelings and contributions to our conflict.
After watching a couple of Parks and Recreation episodes, I felt a sense of calm and was able to return to bed, falling asleep peacefully.
When I woke up the next day, I was free from the emotional burdens that often follow late-night disputes. As my husband stirred awake, he asked if I wanted to discuss our argument from the night before.
“I do,” I replied.
The ensuing conversation was filled with understanding and apologies, leading to a productive resolution.
Chapter 5: Conclusion
Reflecting on that morning, I realized that if we had forced ourselves to continue the argument, we would have woken up emotionally drained and harboring resentment.
Going to bed angry turned out to be a positive experience. It highlighted the importance of resolving conflicts from a place of calm and respect, even if it means waiting a bit longer to address them. While it's beneficial to resolve issues promptly, it's equally essential to recognize when a pause is necessary for a healthier outcome.
Sometimes, allowing the dust to settle reveals that the mess is not as significant as it initially seemed.
Here’s to embracing the power of a good night's sleep.
