Chapter 1: The Essence of Saying No

During our childhood, we are often encouraged to show kindness and maintain harmony. Yet, as we mature, it becomes evident that not every act of goodwill will be reciprocated, nor is every relationship worth nurturing. The real tragedy comes when one reaches middle age without mastering the ability to say no. As Dale Carnegie wisely stated, "Emotional intelligence involves ensuring comfort for both yourself and others." If your effort to please others leads to your own distress, it is not emotional intelligence; it is merely folly.

It is crucial not to sustain relationships that compromise your true feelings or wellbeing. The key to thriving in the latter part of life lies in recognizing when to say no and understanding when to walk away. Steer clear of engaging in trivial tasks, refrain from participating in activities you dislike, and distance yourself from those who drain your energy.

This theme resonates deeply in the book No Longer Human, where it is noted, "My misfortune lies precisely in my inability to refuse." A friend once confided in me about her struggle with saying no. Each time she attempted to decline a request, she was engulfed by an overwhelming sense of guilt. In hindsight, she always felt responsible for the discomfort it might cause others.

She feared disappointing others and jeopardizing relationships, which led her to become a perpetual "yes-person." Over time, however, she gained insight and realized she had confined herself within a limited mindset. She came to understand that declining requests does not equate to being unfriendly or selfish; rather, it is an act of self-preservation and boundary respect. As she later remarked, "True friends won’t abandon you because you decline their requests. Never let yourself be a yes-person; embrace the courage to say no. It is your right, and you owe no explanations. Constantly accommodating others only leads to self-betrayal."

Saying no is not an act of indifference; it is a sign of respect for your own feelings. Individuals lacking boundaries often indulge others at their own expense. Those who cannot refuse requests will invariably create their own troubles, ultimately overburdening themselves and sacrificing their own wellbeing. In reality, excessive accommodation and tolerance seldom yield genuine friendships.

A study conducted by Cornell University revealed that overly agreeable individuals often do not foster harmonious interpersonal relationships; instead, they tend to be disrespected. In truth, accommodating others excessively disrupts balance in relationships and hinders genuine interactions among friends.

As highlighted in an episode of Wild Talk, Xirui emphasized that "Learning to say no is crucial because boundaries are defined through interactions. If you expect those making requests to consider your limits, it implies that the social cost for them is very high." Ultimately, only when your boundaries are clear will others feel at ease interacting with you. Mastering the art of saying no is a significant part of personal development, and adhering to your principles signifies maturity.

Chapter 2: Knowing When to Walk Away

Have you ever found yourself unable to turn down a colleague’s request, leading to an accumulation of small favors that drain your time and energy? Rather than receiving the appreciation you deserve, you may be perceived as an easy mark. Additionally, in your generosity, you may offer financial help to friends or family, only to find that such kindness becomes a source of constant demands for assistance. Loans may flow freely, but repayments can become an elusive promise, jeopardizing your financial stability.

Human nature can be intricate, and this world is rife with ungrateful and insatiable individuals. If your aim is to always be perceived as a "good person," you may inadvertently harm yourself.

Consider the tale of a Zen master who, while meditating by a river, noticed a scorpion struggling in the water. Driven by compassion, he reached out to save it, only for the scorpion to sting him in response. Despite the pain, the master attempted to rescue the creature again, and once more he was stung. A nearby fisherman, baffled by this, asked, "Why do you continue to assist the scorpion despite its repeated attacks?" The master replied, "Stinging is its nature; kindness is mine."

This exchange underscores that unbounded kindness can be both noble and foolish.

Henry David Thoreau once said, "When sowing seeds of kindness, ensure you build a fence of wisdom around yourself to shield against adversity." True kindness is not blind self-sacrifice; it involves understanding the complexities of human nature and the transience of life while ensuring you protect yourself before extending kindness to others. Kindness must have boundaries and discernment to prevent exploitation or harm.

A friend of mine, often perceived as "cold-hearted," actually embodies wisdom. Among peers, borrowing money is commonplace, yet he firmly declines such requests. He approaches written agreements cautiously, even watermarking copies of his ID to prevent misuse. When asked to act as a guarantor for someone in financial distress, he felt sympathy but remained steadfast in his principles. Though his friend joked about his lack of empathy, he responded seriously: "Being heartless is preferable to being taken advantage of. In the world, proceed with caution; do not trust everyone or believe all you hear."

As the saying goes, "Without a solid foundation, do not act with blind kindness." As you reach middle age, it is essential to learn to say no. Refuse requests from boundary-less colleagues, ungrateful relatives, and scheming friends. Once you grasp this lesson, you will stop undermining yourself; living wisely means no longer indulging anyone.

The ability to turn your back when necessary and to know when to block others is a significant realization of adulthood.

Someone once noted that true maturity is about developing inner strength while still being warm-hearted towards the world. I wholeheartedly agree. Life can indeed take advantage of the weak. Unrestrained kindness can be a form of weakness, and endless tolerance can lead to tragedy. As you reach middle age, prioritize your feelings and surround yourself with individuals who uplift you. Some relationships are better maintained at a distance; others are best severed entirely.

In this latter part of life, learn to close doors. Do not deplete yourself for superficial social niceties. Be gentle when necessary and firm when required. Only by discerning your connections and eliminating unnecessary ties can you restore peace and simplicity to your life.