Gender Dynamics and The Stooges

It’s safe to say that women are generally not fans of The Stooges. This statement may seem puzzling, but we’re scientists, clad in white coats, ready to present our findings.

A large percentage of women are unaware of The Stooges’ existence. If you approach a random woman and utter “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,” there’s a high likelihood she might react defensively.

For those women who have heard of The Stooges, they often wish they hadn’t. The term “the curse” is commonly misunderstood as a euphemism for menstruation. In reality, women are referring to their unfortunate encounters with a Three Stooges episode, often as children, when an older sibling promised a nickel for counting Moe’s eye pokes.

Many of these women require therapy to recover. The journey to healing is long.

To understand their perspective on The Stooges, researchers constructed a hierarchy of importance based on extensive interviews.

Recently, researchers made a significant discovery by identifying a specific gene on the male “Y” chromosome that influences gender-based perceptions of The Stooges. This gene, dubbed knucklehead, also determines if individuals 1) urinate standing up and 2) prefer to watch Impractical Jokers while lounging in a comfortable chair rather than discussing home décor.

Let’s delve deeper into knucklehead.

Evolutionary biologists theorize that the knucklehead gene thrived because early women sent the most intelligent males out to hunt, ensuring the clan's survival. The less capable men, who possessed the positive knucklehead gene, were left behind to engage in playful dominance displays, such as eye poking, to compete for mating opportunities.

In a manner reminiscent of black widow spiders, women often consumed these males after mating. The term for those eaten? Stooges. Yet, the knucklehead gene persisted.

The film Black Widow illustrates this concept through a scene where Scarlet Johansson devours Jeremy Renner during his post-coital slumber, suggesting that modern cinema follows scientific principles, albeit loosely.

Given that the evolutionary advantage of the knucklehead gene is no longer relevant, it will inevitably evolve toward more beneficial traits, potentially enabling men to exhibit more mature behavior. Some female scientists are exploring the possibility of editing this gene to produce men who possess Chris Hemsworth's looks but exhibit Dr. Fauci's demeanor.

Roles within The Stooges

Each Stooge had a designated role:

• Moe — The leader, though not in a commendable way; being a Stooge leader is akin to being the CEO of head lice.
• Larry — The violinist and the middle child.
• Curly, Etc. — The comedic target, the fool, the wise guy.

Throughout nearly fifty years of The Stooges’ legacy, three others have filled Curly's shoes, collectively referred to as Etc.:

1. Shemp Howard
2. Curly Howard
3. Shemp Howard
4. Joe Besser
5. Curly Joe DiRita

For fans, Curly is viewed as a deity, while Shemp elicits indifference. Memories of the successors tend to be suppressed, often leading to PTSD treatment for avid fans.

Based on extensive interviews with Stooges enthusiasts, researchers created a humor hierarchy.

A Candid Discussion on Joe Besser

In comparison to Joe Besser, even an average mortician at an open mic night seems hilarious. So do last rites and mouth sores.

Joe Besser's comedic prowess was so lacking that even his parents didn’t find him amusing. His wife affectionately referred to him as “Buzzkill,” and his children associated him with unpleasant experiences like gum surgery.

Even now, Stooges fans often feel a wave of sadness at the mere sight of Joe Besser, akin to being surrounded by Dementors in the Harry Potter series.

Prolonged exposure to episodes featuring Joe Besser has been linked to depression, heart issues, and an inexplicable urge to storm government buildings while adorned in bison horn hats.

Geneticists have yet to decipher why Joe Besser fails to elicit laughter. Those who have attempted to pinpoint the genetic factor often end up in dire straits, including homelessness or extreme political affiliations.

Evolutionary Biology and Curly Joe DiRita

Mimicry refers to the evolutionary resemblance between species, where one imitates another for survival benefits.

Simply adding “Curly” to your name, gaining weight, and shaving your head won’t make you funny, though it may allow you to impersonate Uncle Fester.

Mimicry isn’t a straightforward endeavor, as many who have tried it, like those who consume frozen yogurt or soy hot dogs, can attest.

The Main Event: Curly vs. Shemp

Recall the scene from the MMA film Warrior, where Tom Hardy walks into the ring, knocks out his opponent with a single punch, and exits. Shemp, in contrast, resembles the defeated opponent—bloody and convulsing to the beat of We Will Rock You.

Why is Curly revered as godlike among Stooges fans?

No other individual, human or divine, has ever accomplished what Curly did.

Evolutionary biologists have only recently discovered that the earliest life forms—prokaryotes—used this same spinning motion to navigate the oceans, seeking out carbon compounds. We are literally hardwired to find joy in watching entities spin. Curly, as an amateur evolutionary biologist, understood this instinctively.

Shemp, on the other hand, was preoccupied with whittling.

Even if he tried, he wouldn’t be able to pull off the spin.

Simone Biles couldn’t do it either.

Alongside Einstein’s General Relativity and Bohr’s atomic model, the floor spin stands as one of humanity’s three greatest achievements.

Prehistoric men relied on keen observation for successful protein acquisition. Curly was aware of this necessity, which is why he would exclaim, “Look at the grouse!” to stimulate the deeper neural pathways in the brains of Stooges fans. Meanwhile, Shemp often spent his time slapping his forehead.

And there’s much more to explore in this narrative.

For further insights, check out our TED Talk, How Many Nyuks Can a Woodchuck Nyuk?

Conclusion

Now more than ever, we need our brightest minds to advance scientific frontiers. The world is saturated with mobile applications for tropical legumes and one-click solutions for casual greetings. If this article has encouraged even a few teenagers to consider careers in genetics or biology, then we, as scientists, have succeeded in inspiring the youth.

As Curly would eloquently put it,

“Why certainly!”

“Woof!”

“Woof!”